What it comes down to is I'm not certain that I really want to lose weight. Or, at least, why.

I don't have a driving motivation. When I joined Weight Watchers three months ago that decision was sparked by former President Clinton's heart attack scare. I thought, "I've got to eat better and get fitter so that won't be me in 25 years."

Unfortunately, that sort of rational, long-term reasoning doesn't provide much daily motivation.

Nor does the issue of appearance. If I never have a flat stomach and cellulite-free thighs, I wouldn't be heartbroken. That's one of the reasons I posted a picture of myself in a swimsuit, because that photo itself seems rather innocuous to me and doesn't hold much power over me. You know how people advise dieters to prominently post a "fat" picture somewhere to shame them into exercise or eating differently? That wouldn't work for me. I'd just look at that picture and say "Looking good!" While I objectively perceive areas of my body that don't conform to my culture's beauty aesthetic, I have a hard time mustering up much concern about it. I'm not interested in looking like a model or an actress. Aesthetically, I really, really like a curvy butt and tummy.

So, a desire to physically look different -- or, more precisely, to conform -- doesn't inspire me. When I do have daydreams about what a lighter me might look like, the me I envision is just a more toned version of my current self, which is why I'm become enthusiastic about strenth training. It's like a me whose physical energy has been made manifest.

During these three months on Weight Watchers I've increasingly become critical of my appearance. I analyze myself in mirrors, posing in them several times a day and feeling small moments of uncharacteristic despair. I've started to berate myself for my tummy, to feel anxiety about my thighs. Like most women, I do a fair amount of self-surveillance, but never with this degree of intensity and never with the attendant mood swings. I'm intrigued by people like Blooming Fig who very clearly differentiate the hate of their fat from hate of themselves, but I'm not one of those people.

In the last few months I've read six or seven books about dieting and food -- and every single one contradicted the other and advanced a different theory. Again, all this information overload has made me feel anxious and on edge.

I have little quarrel with Weight Watchers itself. What I liked most was the feeling it gave me of going to school -- get a stamp in your tidy little book, take a test with a number grade, smile at the teacher and participate in class. But pretty much from the beginning I fudged on the Core plan. I was smug and never really committed. So I liked being part of a group, but I didn't like being told what to do.

And, I was hungry. Thinking and worrying about food constantly. Struggling to lose the same five pounds and losing the memory of why I had decided to do all this in the first place.

I know that I don't respond well mentally when success hinges on a rigid adherence to restrictive rules -- this just taps into my already obsessive personality. I begin to worry. I begin to feel judged.

What I call "rigid rules" another person might call "discipline". What I call "restrictive" another person might call "making choices." I know the use of negative language has a power and that by changing my words I can also change my perspective. But again, I'm not sure what my underlying motivation for any of that is right now.

But I do know I enjoy being physically active. This weekend I ran early in the morning, then strenth trained, then swam, then road my bike under glorious blue skies. I know I like the feeling of tautness I get in my muscles after strength training. The muscles feel grateful to be put into use, to be challenged.

But somehow committing to fitness seems like fulfilling only half the equation. The other half is not inspiring me right now, though.

This is what I want to know -- is it possible to be motivated to lose weight out of simple curiosity? Heh.

So I'm giving myself an arbitrary time frame to do a few things. From now until the end of February, I will:

• Get out my own headspace by regularly doing things like I did this weekend:
  Amnesty International Holiday Card Action
  
• Not get on a scale.
  
• Continue to run and strength train.
  
• Not read a single book/article about dieting.
  

Phew. Am I ever glad to get that out of the way. We will now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

(And thanks to all the nice comments you people have been leaving, they're appreciated.)