This week's running schedule had me working up to another 25 minute run.

I couldn't do it! I developed a painful side stitch about 15 minutes in and had to stop. Likely this was because I'd just finished eating a full dinner within the last half hour. Regardless, I was disappointed that I had to stop.

What's interesting, though, is that I didn't beat myself up about it. For me, that's an indication of how I've learned to temper my own painful quest for perfectionism in the last few years. Believe me, it feels so much better to be able to say to oneself "I'll try again next time and do my best" than to say something along the lines of "you're such a failure and an embarrassment to yourself and all those millions of people out there watching your every move and you'll never get any better so let's just quit and if anyone asks, act bored and indifferent and pack the whole incident away into some dusty, whimpering corner of your mind."

Being able to gradually free myself from the yoke of perfectionism has contributed mightily to my willingness to be more active and pursue different physical goals. I don't think I could have finished a 150-mile bike ride or finished a sprint triathalon if I still was choking with the anxieties of imperfection and a rigid definition of success. I still struggle with a fear of failure, and it keeps me from pursuing many of my aspirations, but the difference now is that I'm self-aware and can at least identify where much of my resistance stems from. For that, I'm grateful.

=============

I have been thinking about the idea of being "fit" lately. Despite classifying myself as an "active" person, I'm beginning to think that I'm not a particularly fit person. I don't have very much stamina and muscle strength. And I'd like to be fit, but I think it will truly be a matter of baby steps for me.

This week I'm scheduled for three 25 minute jogs. Next week calls for a series of 28 minute jogs, and the final week is a series of 30 minutes jogs. So, I'll just keep trying.

=============

Since joining Weight Watchers, several people have told me that "you don't need to lose weight, you look fine." They say this with outrage. They are trying to be supportive. They are pissing me off.

I agree with them -- I do look fine. I don't have a negative body image -- I like the way I look, I like the way my flesh, my poundage, gives a certain curve and shape to my body. I'm losing weight because I want to be healthier and more fit, not because I'm trying to look like a celebrity or because I hate my body. When someone announces a weight-loss effort, the assumption made is that the person is weight-obsessed and shallow and vain. Erin makes a similar point in yesterday's post. She says,

"Why, after dieting and exercising for two years now, do I obviously still have a hard time reconciling that just because I'm losing weight doesn't mean I'm losing IQ points?"

I have a hard time with this, too. I worry that because I'm attending Weight Watchers people will make all kinds of assumptions about me and my own self-esteem. Moreover, I worry that people will assume that I have a narrow vision of what beauty looks like -- I want to cry out against this presumption. To the contrary, I have an expansive definition of beauty. I have put in years of reading into the literature of fat acceptance, the history of American body ideals and the challenges to health posed by modern geography and food distribution and manufacturing methods. It's like as soon as I say "Weight Watchers" I'm put into a box, a box labeled "insecure female" and dismissed. This is what bothers me. Don't dismiss or discount me!

I feel like I need a manifesto. Here it is: I'm a thinking woman, who enjoys her body but who is also losing weight for the health of her future self. Deal with it.