I haven't been exercising consistently at all the last two months and this has seemed to sap my mental and physical energy.

I quit my dance group, and broke up with my boyfriend. Both those things were the absolutely right decisions, but nevertheless, I am a bit lost. I didn't realize how much those two things dictated my social life. Without them, I pretty much have little to do in the evenings.

At first, the timing of the international sports world helped. As in, I sat happily on my couch for two weeks watching the Olympics.

Then, a sisterly financial crisis helped take my mind off my loneliness as lots of saintly hand-holding was required.

While that crisis is nowhere near resolved, the urgency of the situation has faded.

So now I must face the fact of my essential aloneness. I am not one of those people who have trouble being alone. I like very much to be on my own and even crave it. But when that's the only option, when I'm not provided a choice like my very own lifestyle menu, then this aloneness loses it's appeal. I find myself a bit bored in the evenings.

The two good female friends I have in town have been very busy the last few months with a new boyfriend and a new job, so I haven't seen as much of them. Also, while I still like not owning a car, it does cut into my ability to hang out with people, at least in the far-flung place that is a typical Texas city.

I've been watching more TV than I like. That's my main complaint. I also haven't gotten on my bike or walked or tried to run in weeks. Yesterday, I had to use my bike to get to some doctor's appointments and I was caught off guard by the absolutely buoyant mood in which that relatively brief and recreational ride put me.

And too, the recent heart surgery performed on former President Clinton really held my attention for several days. I began to worry about my own heart.

I recognize that I need to find a new physical outlet for myself. I've thought -- of all things -- that I'd like to learn longbow archery, but I haven't yet found a place in town that teaches classes. I'd also like to take a single-scull rowing class in Austin, but finding a way to get myself to Austin three weekends in a row hasn't materialized yet. I could gladly Greyhound and stay at the youth hostel, but even that combination might strain my budget. I'd prefer to camp, but the only park in Austin city limits that allows camping isn't serviced by the local bus system.

Am thinking of joining Weight Watchers. Something like this is almost blasphemy for me, since I'm so strongly anti-diet. But the new Core plan doesn't seem to be about self-flagellation and obsessive food restriction. I think the real reason I'm considering it is so that I can get out of the house and have a structured "project" on which I can focus my energy. And also, I think I've realized that I'm tired of all the constant background chatter in my head, the chatter than blathers constantly about my body, even in the midst of what I consider to be a very strong body image and a grounded self-esteem. I just want to get the whole weight-loss thing over with, instead of thinking and thinking about it and vacillating and getting mad at myself all the time for allowing so much of my mental time to be consumed by this one topic. Somehow I'm convinced that once I am at a different weight that I'll suddenly have the time and inclination to agitate on behalf of world political issues, like genocide or the war or genetically modified crops or who knows. As if worrying about weight loss is keeping me from, you know, making a difference.

So. I won't know until next paycheck if I can afford the Weight Watchers meeting package I want to buy. But I am leaning towards it -- if anything, because it will give me something to do.

Am waiting for the weather to change. It's still in the high 90s, but from past experience I know my energy level exponentially rises when the heat finally dissipates and we have a few months of blessed mild temperatures. I'm looking forward to the Fall with the fervent, faithful expectations of a true believer in the energizing power of a Texas cold front.