No answers
I've been reading "The Noonday Demon", a book about depression. He has some wonderful, lyrical descriptions about the physical, visceral experience of sadness. One interesting thing the author notes is that depression follows a circadian pattern: deeper at night and in the morning, and lifting somewhat during the day. I don't know why reading that one little nugget was such a comfort for me, other than that it made me realize that enough other people in the world have had this experience to attach a pattern to it. In my navel-gazing way, I thought it was a weird quirk of my character that I wake up many morning feeling panic, a pressure on my chest, a leaden despair. I would think to myself "how can I feel this bad when nothing has even happened yet in my day to justify such feelings?" But, apparently I'm not the only one.
Another difficult thing about depression is how one's ability to care about .... anything .... just vanishes. I used to have great opinions about politics, or wall colors, or TV shows, or my neighbor, or the weather. But now, nothing.
I want to be pulled out of this, like someone rescuing a floundering swimmer. But I have to pull myself out. I have to create my own life. I have to want to feel life again. I have to want to feel.
4 Comments:
Oh, I know. I know so well. I've only experienced outright clinical depression once (bad reaction to birth control), but I think that for most of my adult life I've been borderline depressed. I've noticed, too, that evenings and mornings are the worst. What good is it to tell yourself that 'tomorrow is another day', when you know you've got to get through a tough morning to start with?
Hang in there... it sounds cliche, but you're not alone.
P.S. - Just reserved that book at the library; it sounds interesting.
Megan I wish I knew what to say. I wish I had the proper pithy quote from Joe Campbell or Pema Chodron that gave you that SNAPPED-AWAKE moment and made it all right. But I think that it doesn't happen that way as much as I'm wishing it for my own self. I read a blog once, not too long ago, called Tiny Cat Pants and this wonderfully well spoken woman was talking about grief and likening it to being in the middle of a lake and just swimming - even when you can't see the shore, even when you can't remember why you're even doing it - she said, just.keep.swimming. In the last several months that mantra has, at times, been the single thing that has kept me moving. And I am beginning to glimpse shore. The only thing I can say, and with credit to Aunt B at TCP, is keep swimming.
Hey there- I used to read your blog when you were running, and happened across these couple of old posts. Just wanted to say that I hope 2009 brings you fresh direction!!!
Hey I was reading your blog because I am an avid runner.. I love your stuff! I thought you may be interested in a new fitness line that is hitting the market at the end of Feb. A friend of mine is a sales representative for their company and she let me check out a sample. It's two women that are in the workout industry who developed fitness apparel based on a need. they have created is a sweat proof pocket for your smart phone that sits on your side. I had the opportunity to try them and they are incredible, the material is fantastic.. I swear I looked two sizes smaller and they are so functional with the smart phone pocket on my hip. I could not even feel that it was there and it was compressed against my leg so it did not bounce. I am a mom and I always need my phone on me but carrying it around is always problem, not enough hands while pushing the jogging stroller, etc! LOL! . The company is called Fit Plus Wear, www.fitpluswear.com Functional Fitness Clothing with a PLUS! These pants are revolutionary and a must have for anyone that's active! I hope you check them out! Keep up the good work on your blog, loving all the information!
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