Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Changing directions

I stopped writing here because I stopped running. I thought about starting another blog, but I still like the idea of "escape velocity", so I'm just going to continue here, but I won't be writing about running!

But "escape velocity" is still very appropriate. I quit my social services job last August, went to a four-month non-fiction writing workshop, and came home full of creative zeal and determination to break into the writing field.

It's been six months, and no job. Six months! I do work a part-time telecommute job, living back home with my parents in an isolated town. I've had several interviews, but the longer I go without a job the more my confidence erodes, the more I question my desires. The more ashamed I feel.

Where is the place of writing in my life? Does it need to be my job? And if not, what else can I do with 40 hours of my life every week that I can do with conviction, and that aligns with my values?

Here are some things I know I value, that give me that feeling in my chest that I identify as a deep, real, and magical sense of connection and presence in the moment:

Being with animals
Being with children
Storytelling, in all forms

I look at that list and I wonder how to take those things and turn them into a job.

But. I also know there are other things I value, that seem right now to be in conflict with my other values. Like: I want to earn a certain income. My magic number is $40,000, something I've never even approached in my previous jobs. And, I also value status, which feels shameful to admit, but it's true. I want to be impressive, I want to be successful in the eyes of the anonymous world. I want to be profiled on TV. I want to make other people think "I wish I could be her." It's true, I have a powerful and selfish Ego.

I need to figure some things out, and maybe this is the place to do it.


At 7:52 AM, Blogger Lara said...

Megan I am so happy to see you again. Don't get discouraged, it's easy to stagnate if we're not doing the work of our hearts - keep searching, I've no doubt it's out there!


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